What If

I had 2 miscarriages between Mailee and Madeline. 

That’s why there is such an age gap between the two of them. Very few people know how painful that time of my life actually was. Even today when I think about it, I cry. 

I cry remembering how angry I was that Garrett didn’t feel it as deep as I had, and how it almost ended our marriage. 

I cry remembering the years I spent trying to get out of the darkness I felt to my bones, while trying to be grateful and present for the daughter I had in front of me. 

And, of course, I cry for the little life that could have been. 

I find myself in quiet moments, walking alone on the beach wondering, “what if?” 

I hate that I do that, because I have my beautiful rainbow baby that healed my heart and completed our family, but I think wondering ‘what if’ is only natural for humans. 

When we were in the process of moving to Panama, house up for sale, jobs quit, everything in full swing; I almost backed out. I have a friend (who is also a life coach, irl) Jewel S, who would talk to me for hours about if I should or shouldn’t do this. We would talk through both options to the nth degree, playing both out for better or worse. Our chats are what made me continue onward. We determined that even worst case scenario in Panama was still worth the risk. (Thank you Jewel, I love you so much)

At the end of my life when I play back all the ‘what ifs’, would I regret more the risks I took (that may or may not work out), or never taking the risk (and always wondering what if)? I don’t know the answer to that yet, and I hope to have a ton of years before I have to reckon these questions. But I know the ‘what ifs’ that I do have in my life so far still move me to tears. I don’t want to get to the end with a long list of ‘what ifs’, I want to take the chances now. I want to live a big life now. 

This is not an easy task, and it doesn’t make every day butterflies and rainbows. I miss my old life from time to time. The things I miss the most change each time a wave of melancholy hits. My most recent list is (in no particular order) is: Albertsons grocery store, boozy brunch with my girlfriends, my mom being close to me and our girls, and working on projects in my old house. God I loved that house, it was perfect. Here, there is no grocery store that holds a candle to the luxury and convince of Albertsons. Making friends as an adult is hard (especially for an introvert, I need an extrovert here to adopt me). My mom has set a cadence of coming every 6 months and we FaceTime daily most weeks (I call her while I’m driving and chat about nothing). And we are not planning on buying here, so I don’t bother customizing our place (my job is a great outlet for getting a home comfy and cozy). 

Even through these waves of melancholy, I don’t have that ‘what if’ feeling. I know what life would be like if we stayed. I know how that would play out, and I didn’t like the ending of that book. So I started a new one. A new one in Panama that is full of challenges, and hiccups, and memories, and tears, and laughs. This book I get to write with the help of my husband (who stuck with me through the darkness of my biggest ‘what if’), and with my beautiful daughters. 

I’ve had a few people reach out and ask if I would do it again, because they are thinking about taking a crazy leap of faith, too. 

My answer is “absolutely”. If you have a flicker of a crazy idea, do it! 

Don’t get to the end and regret the risks you didn’t take. Don’t live in ‘what if’. 

The mantra I said through the process of moving that got me to the finish line was this:

“The universe will never put you somewhere you don’t belong”.

 I believe that more now than I have ever in my life.