2 years

2 years ago, we landed in Panama. At 6am. A country I had been to only long enough to get residency, and a country that Garrett and the girls had never been to. The last 2 years have been a roller coaster of emotions and we’ve been pushed to our limits.

When we decided to move out of Idaho, we told ourselves and everyone else it was for 2 years. Through our research on moving away from your home and becoming an expat, the online consensus is that it takes 2 years to beat the homesickness. After 2 years, I agree with that. Through the 2 years, I mourned the loss of my old life, I mourned the loss of many friendships, I mourned the loss of a career that I was passionate about. There were many, many tears shed over the last year. But I gained new friends that have become my support system, started a new career, and am working on building a new life.

One of the reasons we moved to Panama was so that, as a family we would need to lean-in and rely on each other more. We would hopefully become closer. I can confidently say that has happened. Our girls each have their own friends, of course, but they also love (and like!) each other, and play video games and Barbie together. They have made plans for the future that involve them living together and having kids at the same time. And their plans involve me being there to babysit and spoil their kids.

Every night, as we wind down for bed, both girls (and the dogs) plop down on our bed with us and we laugh and chat about nothing and everything. They hangout with us lame parents until I can’t keep my eyes open and I have to kick them out. I can say that I really like my kids (I always love them, but I really like them!). I like the people they are becoming and I like their sense of humor and I like their plans for the future. And, I think, they both actually like us (they will deny that, but we’re in their future plans). I would say we have achieved becoming closer as a family.

We also wanted to experience a different way of life. I feel confident that we have done this. When we first moved here, we were deer-in-the-headlights everyday. The driving and roads are crazy, the grocery stores are a scavenger hunt. How do we buy cars, get cell service, find insurance, where can I find cotton sheets? You name it, we knew nothing. The locals love loud parties on the weekend, the month of November is a string of different public holidays, Panama loves a queue, (we line up here to buy something, then a different line to pay, and a third line to receive a product. Is it efficient? No. But it’s very Panama) and everything happens mañana (figuratively mañana, not actually tomorrow, just not today).

Now, all these things are very normal to me. I dodge potholes and run over concrete barriers from time to time if the traffic is bad. We’ve bought and sold several cars (I have a guy for that, I actually have a guy for just about everything) I know that if the grocery store has cotton candy grapes or bread and butter pickles, buy them all. They will never be there again. I love the sound of the loud music on the weekends and holidays, I know it means they are having fun and blowing off steam. Mañana is actually better for me anyway, I didn’t want to do it today, either. I hate a line still.

We had this idea that moving here would make time move slower. The theory was that time moves very quickly when things are easy, but when things are difficult the move at glacial pace. My reference for this is I felt like I was pregnant for 12 years, so the logic checked out. Time has not moved slower. 2 years has flown by. Maybe it wasn’t difficult enough, maybe the day to day catches up quickly. Either way, I’ve learned you can’t outrun time, even in another country.

If I knew 2 years ago what I know now about the process of moving, I don’t think I would have the courage to do it again. It has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. Still to this day when I think about the drive away from my mom’s house, I cry. I am, however, so grateful for the experience. In a community where everyone is an expat, friendships are much deeper. They become like family quickly. We celebrate our holidays with friends from other countries and explain to them what Thanksgiving is and how to celebrate it. We light off fireworks on the 4th of July with our British friends while they wish us “Happy Traitor’s Day”. Everyone stood for the National Anthem during our Super Bowl party, then we had to explain why Americans (even the ones living in Panama) are so patriotic.

We’ve made memories, cried rivers, swam in the ocean weekly, navigated a different life. I am so proud of us for making it and doing it. I’m so grateful to our friends here who have helped ease the loneliness. I am so grateful to friends in Idaho who reach out. I am so proud of my daughters who have been resilient through the biggest shift in their life. I am most grateful to my husband for helping me redefine what home means.

Home is whenever I’m with you.