September 30, 2023 (which is where we left this blog off) feels like 7 lifetimes ago.
Panama was an incredible adventure and moving back to America has been one too.
There is A LOT to catch up on and I truly don’t even really know where to start. There were so many things that happened leading up to us moving back that I want to go back and write about separately. So I guess this is the short(ish) version of how we got from Panama to Idaho.
In October 2023 my aunt died.
That is a whole story in itself and one I will come back to, but her death sent our family into a bit of a spiral and kicked off our transition home, which I only recognize in hindsight. I guess that is typically how hindsight works.
For the first time, being in Panama felt really really far away.
I was worried about my mom and it was incredibly hard not being close. I had to rely a lot on my brother, which is its own complicated story because prior to this we were estranged.
But he showed up. Like really really showed up.
He helped carry my mom through a time when I couldn’t be there to do it and I am so eternally grateful to him for doing that.
Then Garrett found out his dad wasn’t actually his dad… Yep.
Also, this needs to be its own post.
It was one thing after another and everything got really hard for a while.
I don’t think there was ever a moment where Garrett and I looked at each other and said, “Okay, Panama is over.” It was more like the chapter just started closing and we were white knuckling life to keep it open.
Things felt different. Home felt farther away. Family felt more important.
And I think I got tired of trying to figure out what we were supposed to do next.
So I sort of let go.
I wouldn’t have described it this way at the time, but looking back, this was the beginning of me letting God take over.
My journey to the Lord is a whole other post. Probably a few posts, since that is a journey that is ongoing and probably very surprising if you are just picking up here.
Anyway.
Early 2024 I applied for a job in Idaho.
And they told me no.
So I flew to Boise and showed up at their office. Because that’s how I handle rejection.
I told them they were making a big mistake by not hiring me. I was exactly what they were looking for and I was in Idaho for two weeks to prove it.
If after two weeks they still didn’t think I was a fit, they didn’t have to pay me anything and I would go back to Panama. Literally zero risk for them.
Long story short… I was a fit.
I got the job and went back to Panama to work remotely.
After about six weeks of that it became very clear that the CEO needed a little more hand holding than virtual offered and the job really needed me in Idaho.
But, I wasn’t going to get a job and then announce to my kids that we were packing up their lives AGAIN.
We had asked them to move to another country. They had done this huge crazy adventure with us and I wasn’t going to be the one to decide it was over just because something had changed for me.
So we asked them. Is the adventure over? Are you ready to go back to the States? Or do you want to keep going?
They took the night to think about it.The next morning at breakfast they told us they made a pros and cons list and they were ready to go back.
A few weeks later, we sold everything. Again. Because, I guess, our family really enjoys getting rid of every earthly possession we own, saying heart wrenching goodbyes, and starting over.
We sold everything we had accumulated in Panama and came back to America with 9 suitcases between the 4 of us (+2 dogs and my mom who, like an angel, came to help us come home).
That was it.
Four people. Two dogs. Nine suitcases.
We came back with nothing.
And started over. Again.
The actual move is also its own story because, of course, it was an adventure(read nightmare). I will get to that one too.
But we made it! And this is the part that I have been thinking about a lot lately.
Panama was about growing out.
We needed to branch out. We needed to see something different and live differently and get uncomfortable. We needed to learn that life didn’t have to look one particular way. We needed to know that we can rely on each other. We needed to know that we could freaking do it!
We needed the adventure.
And I am so incredibly grateful we did it.
I don’t look back at Panama and think that coming back means it didn’t work.
It worked – it did exactly what it was supposed to do. We grew.
But now I am doing the exact opposite.
I’m growing roots. Deep, deep roots.
In our home. In our community. In my work. In our family. In the people around us.
And especially in my belief in God.
For the first time in my life I don’t feel the need to figure out where we are going next. I like where we are.
I want to stay long enough to build something here.
I want deep roots. I want to plant trees whose shade I may never be able to enjoy but my grandkids will. Both figuratively and literally.
Maybe that is the whole point of this blog and I just didn’t know it when we named it The Eventually Home.
Maybe we had to leave home, sell everything, move to another country, grow in every direction, have our world shaken up, sell everything AGAIN and come back with nine suitcases before I was ready to stop looking for what was next.
Panama taught us how to branch out.
Now I am learning how to grow roots.
And I think we might have finally eventually made it home.
the eventually home 